This Spring, there is no hotter accessory than the smug sense of superiority that comes from perfect mothering. The best way to achieve this is by wearing your baby like the small human sized prop that they are.
Advocates of baby wearing suggest that you approach it as a skill – that way you can humble-brag and shame other mothers from the perspective of a skilled tradesman. The benefit of this approach means that you get to spend all sorts of money while you master your new skill set – because obviously just learning to wear your baby with one sling or baby carrier is insufficient.
Since wearing your baby is less about doing things that make your child happy and secure and more about fashion and looking stylish while achieving perfect motherhood, there are lots of styles and fabric choices available for you to throw money at.
Baby wearing is all about the message you send, and not about the care of your precious snowflake of a baby. Make sure that you choose your baby wearing apparatus carefully though, as that will determine what people think of you.
Some styles to consider:
Wraparound sling: Elegant and complicated, requires some basic knot know-how and skill. Will make people perceive you as knowledgable about babies and an expert on baby wearing. The best option for humble-bragging opportunities.
Ring Slings: Simple and shawl like. Looks traditional and crafty, makes people think you like granola and hemp based clothing. The best option for craft fairs and outdoor music events.
Mei Tais: Worldly and comfortable. Makes you look like you’ve been places and seen some things. The best option for those that like to maintain an air of mystery and danger.
Structured Carriers: Sporty and functional. When people see you wearing your baby in one of these they will think you like to hike and skip stones at the beach. The best option if you want people to think you are athletic and healthy.
Baby wearing is a great opportunity for dads to shine as well. Nothing is cuter than a dad with a baby strapped to his person. It tells other people that you are the best father ever and that you are an excellent provider. You will have lots of opportunities to watch women checking you out with admiration, babies are almost as good as puppies when it comes to this stuff.
Consider your child to be not unlike the colourful plumage of a peacock – you can wave your baby in the face of other people all day long as if you were saying “look at this baby I made with my powerful sperm.” People will be instantly jealous of you and you may even become an internet celebrity for a time – because everyone knows that dads that take care of their children are super rare and should be praised for doing basic and expected things like holding their offspring. A father doing things like fathering is always going to be congratulated. You can’t go wrong with taking a few a pictures and uploading them to social media. Feels good, man.
Don’t bother to read or research anything on the internet that any other parent has discovered, that information is useless. This is your opportunity to blaze the undiscovered trail that is baby wearing. Remember, you are the first parent ever to wear their baby – people need to know your opinion. Shout it loud and scold any other person that dares to suggest you do something a little differently or warns you that the way you are carrying your baby in that mile of fabric might be a little dangerous or even fatal. They know nothing and should be treated with scorn and ridicule.