The perfect home always has a few “conversation pieces” scattered about it. People that have a crap-ton of personal debt usually accumulate these pieces through careful curation on E-Bay, Etsy and where ever else you can buy expensive tchotkes online for the sheer joy of waving to the delivery guy as he drops off yet another shipment of junk you over paid for, yet somehow, cannot wait to put in your home and take pictures of to post online.
Curios and knick-knacks are the best way to make up for an otherwise completely lacking personality and boring home. If you can say that you made those knick-knacks yourself by taking junk and painting it in shimmery metallic colours well, that just takes that shit to the next level and makes it art.
Question : Sweet home crafted art. Is there anything better?
Answer : No, there is not.
Here’s how to get some for your dull and uninspiring house today:
Step one : drive to the dollar store.
Step two : locate the toy section at the dollar store.
Has there ever been a better illustration of the eternal struggle of humanity? To choose between a gold camel or a gold hamster…such pathos!
Step three : fight off any small children who might want to buy your craft supplies with their $1 allowance. They think toys are for play. Play is pedestrian and best beaten out of children at an early age so they can better appreciate art. Don’t feel bad if you have to elbow some faces or trip some bitches. Play is for the weak, crafting is for the strong. This builds character, you are doing them a favour. It takes a village.
step four : find some animal toys. The weirder the better. Camels? Octopods? Some weird pig with a lot of teats? Shit yeah. Buy them. Drive home.
Two coats are required, allow to dry for about an hour between coats. You can look up other stupid crafts on the internet while you wait for “inspiration”
step five : paint with your metallic paint. Don’t act like you don’t have a bunch of that stuff sitting in your craft corner right now. You know you have gold and silver, probably copper and bronze too, maybe a full on gilding kit. Use that. Post pictures of your process online.
Apparently you can buy taste. It costs a dollar.
Whoa, check out how interesting your house just became! Look at how original and ironic your personal style is these days! Strangers on the internet now find you eclectic and charming. “Is that a gold camel?” they are asking, “man, that lady is unique!”
You have reached craft level : Wizard – utterly distinct and magical, full of fucking whimsy.
You would not believe how frustrating it was to gild those nipples.
Can I start small- like maybe with the broken Barbies I’ve been storing in my basement? Surely an arm-less Barbie carefully gilded is really some kind of commentary as art?
You can certainly gild a Barbie. Now because Barbie torsos are smooth, you’re going to want to rough the surface up first with a little fine grit sandpaper, otherwise the paint won’t stick as well and may end up peeling.
I would suggest using a paint that says that it is suitable for any paintable surface, and using a couple coats to really allow the shine to develop. You could take your craft to the next level by added some self stick jewels, maybe in the nipple areas?
To really take your craft into the realm of art – I recommend picking up a proper 14k gold gilding kit. It’s a little more labour intensive, but the use of precious materials juxtaposed against the broken femininity of an armless Barbie would truly be something extra special.