The perfect home always has a few “conversation pieces” scattered about it. People that have a crap-ton of personal debt usually accumulate these pieces through careful curation on E-Bay, Etsy and where ever else you can buy expensive tchotkes online for the sheer joy of waving to the delivery guy as he drops off yet another shipment of junk you over paid for, yet somehow, cannot wait to put in your home and take pictures of to post online.
Curios and knick-knacks are the best way to make up for an otherwise completely lacking personality and boring home. If you can say that you made those knick-knacks yourself by taking junk and painting it in shimmery metallic colours well, that just takes that shit to the next level and makes it art.
Question : Sweet home crafted art. Is there anything better?
Answer : No, there is not.
Here’s how to get some for your dull and uninspiring house today:
Step one : drive to the dollar store.
Step two : locate the toy section at the dollar store.
Step three : fight off any small children who might want to buy your craft supplies with their $1 allowance. They think toys are for play. Play is pedestrian and best beaten out of children at an early age so they can better appreciate art. Don’t feel bad if you have to elbow some faces or trip some bitches. Play is for the weak, crafting is for the strong. This builds character, you are doing them a favour. It takes a village.
step four : find some animal toys. The weirder the better. Camels? Octopods? Some weird pig with a lot of teats? Shit yeah. Buy them. Drive home.
step five : paint with your metallic paint. Don’t act like you don’t have a bunch of that stuff sitting in your craft corner right now. You know you have gold and silver, probably copper and bronze too, maybe a full on gilding kit. Use that. Post pictures of your process online.
Whoa, check out how interesting your house just became! Look at how original and ironic your personal style is these days! Strangers on the internet now find you eclectic and charming. “Is that a gold camel?” they are asking, “man, that lady is unique!”
You have reached craft level : Wizard – utterly distinct and magical, full of fucking whimsy.