Stuff in Mason Jars

People seem to think that chewing and swallowing their food will make them sick and fat, so instead, they like to liquify it and drink it. The tedious chore of mastication and digestion is for the plebeian who hasn’t yet heard about the wonders of the juice fast.

Holding juice against one’s face enables osmosis and increases the amount of bullshit in your system.

Allegedly, simply eating your food isn’t allowing you access to it’s most vital nutrients, and those nutrients can only be unlocked by liquifying everything and drinking it up through a straw. This way all the precious vitamins and minerals can be more easily accessed by your digestive tract without all that fibre slowing you down.

Drinking only fruit and vegetable juice for a couple of weeks is a sure fire way to lose weight and feel great, forgetting that you are depriving yourself of things like protein and you know, food, followers of the juice fast will tell you that “they never felt better” and “I could have gone longer”. Nothing feels better than buying into a fad and finding your tribe within a group of like-minded Flavor-Aid drinkers.

If you want to join in with the cool kids, the best way is to enlist the help of one the trendy boutique juice bars. Remind yourself that they are only selling juice because they want to help you and they care about you immensely, not because you are a gullible fool with too much money. Once you have your juice, you are now in the unique position of being able to tell everyone all about it. Tweet the shit out of your juice fast. Update your Facebook profile every hour with the play-by-play on how you’re feeling.

The benefit of sharing your juice fast on social media is two-fold, it’s going to keep you honest, so when you are just about to make yourself that bacon sandwich you can give yourself a slap across the face and reach for that glass of liquified carrot instead, such would be the shame of admitting defeat on Twitter.

The second benefit is that anyone reading your updates is going to feel bad about themselves. They will see how committed you are to good health and how unhealthy they are with their bowls of organic oatmeal and almond milk and they will juice cleanse too, thus ensuring that everyone you know is miserable and starving alongside you.

When you finally break your juice fast, it’s important that you don’t immediately pick up those horrible eating habits that you worked so hard to break. Make sure that you give it at least 12 hours. This buffer zone allows you feel virtuous and refreshed and then you can justify the bag of marshmallows you ate over the sink and chased with a shot of maple flavoured corn-syrup straight from Aunt Jemima’s head.

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