The big diet trend right now is the Paleo Diet. Basically, everyone pretends that they are stone-aged hunter/gatherers and eats a lot of meat and vegetables and then runs around proclaiming how awesome they feel.
The best part about the Paleo Diet is that you get to tell anyone that eats anything that a caveman didn’t have access to that they are “not Paleo, not even ‘Paleo Lite’.” It’s pretty much the best diet ever invented because it allows you to be completely smug and self-righteous about your eating habits and judge the shit out of everyone that eats rice. Even organic brown rice. Yeah, it’s just that superior.
Forgetting the fact that you feel awesome because the Paleo Diet does not allow you eat processed foods like donuts and Thousand Island dressing and instead makes you eat things like chicken and kale. The Paleo diet lets you pretend that you are some sort of food anthropologist so it’s super fun to stand in the grocery store staring at that package of frozen broccoli and wonder if various ancient hominid species had access to deep freezers and self check-outs.
If you really want to crank it up a notch, and you know you do, because it’s just so validating, you can focus on sourcing grass-fed meat and eating only locally grown vegetation. Should you happen to live in an area that is covered with snow during half of the year, this can be challenging, but starving and struggling to survive didn’t stop the caveman, clearly they didn’t have to evolve to make it past the age of 35, why should you?
I’ve included some recipes that I feel really fit into the Paleo diet, both in spirit and in the fabulous nutrients they will provide to you – enjoy!
Stuff in Mason Jars’ Roasted Squirrel AKA “the hunt”
yield: One Squirrel
step one: “Hunt” a local squirrel. There are many different methods you can employ, traps, luring with tasty treats, accidentally running one over as you back your SUV out of the driveway, the options for obtaining a wild squirrel are as numerous as the creatures themselves.
step two: Skin and dress your squirrel.
step three: Skewer on a sharpened stick and hold it over the hot coals of a fire allowed to burn down. Wood ashes can lend a salty quality to fire roasted game, so feel free to drop it in there every once in a while.
Stuff in Mason Jars’ Dandelion Greens AKA “the gather”
yield: Depends on how many you have in your backyard
step one: Wait for Spring.
step two: Watch dandelions take over your lawn. Your neighbours may give you the side-eye for letting your yard go to shit, but once you enlighten them on the benefits of the Paleo Diet, they’ll understand.
step three: “gather” up the dandelions, rinse off any dog poo.
step four: you can either steam your dandelion greens like any other green, or if they are young, tender and have only been exposed to just a little dog poo, eat them as a salad – without dressing, cavemen didn’t have dressing. You can maybe put some sea-salt on them, but only if you live near a source of sea-salt, if you don’t you’re out of luck. Sorry, but it’s important to be authentic if you want to be truly priggish about the Paleo Diet.